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Monthly Archives: January 2010

BRILLIIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BALANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Ryan…  my spirit official name… is born today…! HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN CONDITION BALANCE BELIEF… IT IS UP TO YOU NOW… THANK YOU FOR THE BLESSING OF BEING YOURSELF. I HAVE HAD A FUCKING BLAST WHEN I APOLOGIZED.

I am limited. I cannot comprehend the choice that if you believe in love and love’s potential to conquer all, love has conquered your consciouness just by taking a moment and recognizing hey, i think that’s love. I found it. Its not hiding anymore. But I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I cannot comprehend it. I cannot live without it. Oh god. I am living with it and this is not gay at all. Don’t we want this love? Peace in the middle east? no war for oil no lying politicians? Wow. Who can love as great as these two men have loved just by holding a hand and to each possibly it was a promise to each other, we must express love’s potential because the greatest light we can shine is within the dark so let this darkness we are in be temporary and let this be our answer to love and thank you for we are not a mistake and we do love so much we hope that one day you will find this photo and say thank you to us for we did not use words because peace is never spoken, peace is lived because you know its always love all the time and no i dont care about gayness or what you think and this is the most arrogant way I can express your ignorance because we love too and we are just like you and we do look up sometimes and wonder. Forgive us if we forget us and loose our balance looking up so much all the time and thinking we can go there at all. We are not wrong. We are not the nightmare. We are not the pain. We are not the pleasure. We just am and we just are being us and this is choice made visible because you can store it forever and never know what’s on our minds 🙂

but oh yes, bush smiles and I have a sly grin on my face because perhaps we look like we know something after all and it is always in your benefit and we want to go there with you and we choose to go into love because we are love and you are going where we are growing you.

FUCK I JUST GOT TO SAY I HAVE OUT DONE MYSELF WITH THAT LAST PART BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GROWING AND WE ARE ALL GOING.

fuck. i cannot believe i started all of this because i felt weird. fuck. PEDRO IS SAINT. FUCK HE REALLY IS BECAUSE HE FOUND ME ON THE STREET LIKE MAGIC I SCREAMED IN FRIGHT THAT I COULDNT RUN AWAY. I FELT FUCKED BY EVERYTHING AND THEN I GOT IN THE GETAWAY CAR AND KNEW THAT IT WAS JUST SF, LOVE IS EVERYWHERE. I SAW IT ALL THE WAY HOME AND OH GOD. I THINK I AM HORNY. FUCK. WHO EVER READS THIS DAY HAS WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY.

Well, the irony is awesome. They mayans nursed me to health after my pregency and I held humanity in my arms and saw for the first time that bond between a parent and child yet knowing he’s going to be greater than us and we will support him/her in everyway even on this first day of his birth. He/she doesn’t need to know we will support his whole life’s choices because we love him/her unconditionally not because we have to, because we must for if we don’t, its not even comprehendable not wanting love for your child, even if you cant love them the way they should be loved, at some point you realize they rebell or choose independantly to evolve and you evolve beyond adulthood, beyond society and you come back within and accept your choices as living proof of why you love yourself because you know your family’s status as either rich with joy from strong family bonds and love, or like me, you know that you are struggling to love yourself still and unfortunately you havent evolved to where you need to be but the expression of this conflict of emotional discomfort that you feel when you do not have a loving family is harshly expressed as abuse in a myriad of forms by parent and child so what a glorious day when a gay child knows hey GOD, I want to evolve and I know my parents are not going where I am going because I want to be more than what I already know and if I can be someone special, I would always choose ME and thank you for giving me the courage to accept myself because if I never said fuck you Jehovah, I am NOT your witness when I got disfellowshipped by my own fucking family who was homophobic and I didnt even have true love nor did I know what it meant to be gay or have sex or love someone like my mom and dad loved enough to bring me here and not destroy me as she claimed was an option for her because my dad supposedly rapped her. My uncle said she was always a bitch and probably my dad fucked her for a minute and said, yeah, fuck this bitch I got to go be happy and I and wow, this little dude isn’t even born yet so because I dont see it or him/her I carry my negativity to him by not being able to accept that he is truly innocent. What have we done to him? How HOW can we live with that choice if you could only feel the pain inside turning itself over into love again like a natural response from the universe saying look, we’re with you all the time and you just got to be yourself cuz look, you are the sunshine you are the rainbow you are the awesome display of god’s covenant with man after your greatest story has just begun and you have landed on your mountain so move it with that choice and find where you want to go after the storm has flooded your emotions with such sorrow that you find yourself floating safely again resting on LOVE because you are the mountain that moves earth and you are the change that no evolution can evolve to from within you become and you change the ones you love even if you cannot see it, they must wonder where did this guy come from because we fucked up and he is just fine. When you feel down, there is someone there that can smile for you because you can never loose your smile… this whole world was made for you to feel happiness and what’s better than happiness? dancing when no one is around… loosing yourself on the sidewalk to some kick ass house music and one day fucking getting down to the best music of your life because GOD is the DJ and you have no idea where all your coolness comes from but look how awesome you are homie and let it be known that it’s OK to be yourself but obviously you already knew that because you were born with that and its simply just being aware that you are love and you do not need anyone to know that not even god can tell you that. YOU have to CHOOSE to accept right now and right now is always all about YOU and YOU ARE SO MUCH LOVE AND I PRAY THAT THESE WORDS WILL FIND YOU AND YOU WILL SEE THAT THEL WORD IS NOT JUST A SITCOM ON SHOWTIME AND I DIDNT LIVE NEXT TO CHASITY BONO ON PURPOSE BUT MY PURPOSE IS DIVINE… because just like you cannot see that Heart is an acroymn for Earth and I am the one who brings the rain to feel the pain and say glory be thy name with man for we are not gay, we are the rainbow, and the light for when we hug and kiss and fucking fuck each others brains out, we ask you why do you fight instead of giving a bitch slap instead or calling jerk a nigger because he was a mother fucker but let do words be the LIMIT of how you express the pain from not being able to dance in the rain because you are soaking wet with hatred and jealously you cannot magically change yourself to step out of this cloud above you and you weigh yourself and your country men and your family and the ones you love and your children and your childrens children and then you fucked up the whole fucking world because you couldn’t communicate with your body because you are still a fucking child and Only if you knew that it takes a big man with a big stick to go into space and fucking fuck you out of oblivion, you have to yourself, who floats in space dead, the body? or the spirit? and if you die in space, do you go to heaven or hell or do you watch yourself float for all eternity knowing how far away you are from earth and you can never get back to that paradise and this darkness is just wrong. So be the limit, express the limitation of your being by embracing limitation itself as just your beautiful identity and respect another’s identity even when you do not agree, you are born with a mouth that can smile… and better than water… better than fire to cook your food or burn that evil bastard or plug that electricity in and watch him get hanged by all who hated him and praise GOD for solving death with death and thinking you are doing the right thing when you have no idea how bad bush is going to fuck you and your country over that you may never recover and that man was the fucking devil but at least you were not in hell, you only believed you were and now look, who is fucking you now and do you believe you will ever be like them who wants you to be like them and they will fuck you so bad you are just fucked because you can never be like them until you say ok, ok, you fucked me. I needed that, I was probably fucked in the head for dealing whatever I was going through in the first place, so thank you for helping me see THE FUCKING LIMIT and oh my god, maybe you’re not so bad afterall, because you’re fucked up too thinking you can save anyone from anyone unless they choose to believe you saved them because everything is so much better. But are all men, and all men will die or wish that there was  god at one moment in thier life and let it be awesome for that person in that moment because there is a god and he does here you because you have chosen to believe and if you just believe you can get out of whatever it is you are going through, you have done the job God can never do, because he is not you, and you know yourself and your needs and no one can love your life but you. So lets pray now and thank GOD for the body and the technology and the wisdom that always is in you beating your heart and ticking your mind and blowing your mind when something magical happens to you and you suddenly love yourself for you who are and find another that appreciates what you have worked so hard to love and that is you. So when you build yourself up and make yourself smile and feel good and NO BITCH, I GOT A DICK TOO AND I WILL FUCK YOU AND YOU WILL LIKE but life is not just being on TOP or being on BOTTOM and there is no GOD and no MAN, there is just YOU and ME and we are in LOVE and we are the destiny because when you stop, we still go. And when we stop. You just cannot comprehend that at all, so thank you, we always GO and you are coming with us because we are going into SPACE and SPACE is around you and in your eyes because it’s just love playing you for a fool until you see that you are a fool in love, with ME.

I cannot deny this naked ness but we always wake up naked in bed from a good night sleep with our lovers or take showers with each other or pass  the paper when our lover takes shit. More than my family, I feel something more real than walking down the asile… lol…. I DO… I KNOW.. awesome… such great beings we are and oh my god we are such incredible love because you have seen all my fucking darkness and I feel ashame but you wait for me to grow up and accept that when I look up into a night full of darkness… I imagine one day I can go up into the dark and call it just space (which is where I am and everywhere I want to be anyway) and dream that one day I will see Earth and when I do, I just die because if you can see what I see, you might think falling in love, is the ultimate religion. And looking at earth, is like seeing GOD and knowing this is NOT GOD… and YOU are NOT… but look at wonder at this awesomeness because GOD has always been watching and waiting for you to get out the house and get a job. DO something beyond what you see because where you go up you realize you bring your destiny into your own nature. Imagine the brilliant guy who invents some killer product from a whole life in space that you cannot imagine but right now you say I am sick, or he hurt me or lets get back at them, you are nothing until you can see who you are when you are there but its always been right now and let me be the one to say wow, the earth really is handing on nothing and gravity has my name on it. Ty wow. When I think I am not evolving, I grab the remote back and I change the channel to music station and I feel like dancing again so please man, please Ty, get with the program and execute your prime direction and just be. Thats all I can do being a being just like you. I guess that’s equality accomplished and why we all must evolve past small mind because LOOK AT US, we are SO BEAUTIFUL AND LOOK AT EARTH. GOD MUST BE FUCKING GORGEOUS AND YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU ARE FUCKING GORGEOUS ALL THE TIME BECAUSE EVEN FLAVA FLAV GET BITCHES ON VH1 TO FIGHT FOR HIS LOVE AND NEW YORK CAN STAR IN A REALITY SHOW OF HER GHETTO ASS SELF AND LOOK, that’s fucking and fucking great because where else can it happen so magically that a slave can turn a whole country towards the future and say YES WE CAN… YES I CAN EVOLVE AND YOU ARE COMING WITH WHETHER YOU ARE WATCHING OR NOT BECAUSE THATS ONLY FAIR RIGHT IF I AM TAKING CARE OF YOU TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF SO I CHOOSE NOT TO GIVE UP AND LOVE ALWAYS OPENS THE DOOR TO WHERE I NEED TO GO BECAUSE I AM JUST SITTING RIGHT HERE AND TWO SONGS SAY EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE ALL I COULD EVER WANT IS TO LAY MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER AND DANCE WITH YOU SLOWLY JUST LIKE THEY DO AFTER THEY SAY I DO. I DO ALWAYS. WE ARE MARRIED BUT I AM HUMAN AND PEOPLE GET MARRIED BUT WHEN DOES IT BECOME CLEAR THAT TWO HUMANS ARE MARRIED. IF YOU STOPPED BEING A PERSON AND STARTED BEING HUMAN, YOU MIGHT JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING YOUR MATE DOES UNCONDITIONALLY EVEN IF HE WAS THE FUCKING DEVIL HE CANNOT BE SUCH OF A LABEL BECAUSE WE ARE ALL HUMAN. IF YOU CANNOT SEE A HUMAN THEN WHAT DO YOU SEE? YOU SEE EVERYTHING ELSE. SO IF YOU COME INTO THIS WORLD THROUGH LOVE ITS ALL YOU CAN EVER SEE NO MATTER IF YOU THINK YOU ARE PERSON, A CONSUMER, A DESPRESSED SOUL, AN ALIEN, A WALK-IN, ON YOUR DEATH BED, BEING THE SAVOIR OF US ALL, YOU ARE ALL HUMAN AND EVERYONE ON EARTH AND BEYOND IS ALL OF THE EXPRESSION OF LOVE’S POTENTIAL AS VISIBLE TRUTH AND HONESTY THAT WE ARE ONE BEING OF LIGHT THAT IS JUST KNOWING SIMPLY THAT YOU ARE LOVE AND LOOK HOW MUCH I BELIEVE IT. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING ME. I STILL HAVENT EVOLVED PAST THAT STATE OF ACCEPTANCE BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE WORDS TO EXPRESS THE GRATITUDE THAT I FEEL KNOWING SOMEONE SEES MY WHOLE LIFE AND WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW. I GUESS THE MAN IS THE STABLE ONE AND THE WOMAN IS THE EMOTIONAL ONE. SHE GOT TO BE THAT WAY IN ORDER TO KEEP HERSELF IN CHECK SO THAT SHE FEELS COMFORT THAT HER MAN IS ALWAYS THERE TO GUIDE HER IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AS THE PARTNER AND BEST FRIEND AND THE SOURCE OF LIFE TO THEIR FAMILY AS SHE EXPRESSES HER DESTINY AND BEARS CHILDREN IN HIS NAME AND LET THEM ALL KNOW ONE DAY. I called YOU human FIRST… so let’s be honest here. Humanity is fucking awesome brilliant love that is so fucking amazing I think and know I am GOD and you are going places just like me. SO I need to get a grip and when I have the time to think about my emotional state I will accept that everyone is fucking with me in order to know why me and my husband fucked in the first place so you can know why you are here and you are awesome. You have a mom and a dad and we love you but you are not my child, you’re your own person and now you got to get out the house and be some body cuz look at who you are you are EARTH and you are SPACE and you are TIME and you are NO MISTAKE NO MATTER HOW DOWN YOU FEEL YOU ARE FLOATING IN LOVE AND YOU WILL NEVER FALL NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE SO UNABLE TO SEE WHATS NEXT YOU FEEL LIKE THIS MOMENT IS GOING TO LAST FOREVER AND EVER AND JUST LIKE I DID I PRAY TO YOU BECAUSE IF YOU CAN SEE HOW FUCKING FAST MY PERSPECTIVE CHANGED AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A NAUGHT FUCKING SLUT I BEEN TODAY I SAY THANK GOD FOR ME FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE OH THERES TY AGAIN… OPPORTUNITY…. well… my spirit says “reason is a bitch”. But when you do take the moment all cracked out and lonely to look up at the night and see a star shining and feel comfort its the night instead of a fucking battle field of hopelessness that you have to protect yourself all the time because someone is going to hurt or have hurt you before. LOOK You are earth just looking in the fucking mirror and feeling comfort that you are saved, safe and someone loved you to be here and someone is going to love you all over you can start the love all again even greater than the love that brought you here so do not bear arms in battling your emotions and wondering why why why me.. no I dont feel right this is not the way its supposed to be… look… look up… its dark out there… its an endless night full of dreams and stars to count upon and make wishes and to watch with your friends on a grassy hill and say I wonder what is up there in your innocence. Now look at the next person, look deeply into their eyes… do you notice the darkness? DO you see an endless night of dreams and hopes that like above, so below in your love’s eyes you wonder… what will they become to be and will I be there with them when they become so let us wonder where this love is taking us… let us look up and look at each other and feel one glorious love that is why I write and you just believe.

I feel funny because I am conscious of my experiences and know when I am being tested and when I feel like I am evolving my consciousness past a threshold of understanding to come to the perspective of a new era in which my mind feels one with life and my choices. (honestly I just typed that last line verbatum from my spirit who has been teaching me to hone in on my telepathy skills to know when certain beings are communicating to me). Let me be honest, pedro did stop me from being homeless but now I am home in LA and not making a new life for myself in SF. Do I feel tricked? Slightly. Am I sad? Maybe. Do I have regrets? I can’t, because its like denying the sky is blue when it’s fucking blue and I fucking see it and can look up. What happened to me in SF was a miracle on the extreme so much that I am forced to trust what feels like I am so fucking vunerable and weak because I just want to be loved and I don’t feel that right now. I was holding hands with Pedro in SF but he turned on me again like the fucking devil and put me in the loft so I can pay him rent while he stole $5400 from me and calls me crazy for forging a check in my name. They say I call companions of destiny into situations for me to integrate them but now I am coming to the understanding that I am like a human looking back in time and saying yeah we evolved from a monkey but not just any monkey a really smart monkey that was unique enough to spawn the human race. I totally spawned or gave birth to a new reality and its totally fucking amazing and I feel totally fucking amazing but now I feel like I been dragged back down to hell again because I left LA to be happy and I could of been planning dates and meeting new people and making friends but now I feel like I am alone again. But that’s a lie because I am so not alone its not even funny. My spirit does not even sleep and he lives in the matter and energy around me and can even make the TV make noise on command to my thoughts and its so fucking potent I am having a conversation with a noise that is attached to my thoughts and its like I always know what that sound means and its variable like when I have a major thought its a loud bang and when its like an aggreement its a soft pop and when its like I miss you, stop looking porn in the other room and come sit your ass down and watch TV the TV will pop and make noise in upset that I am not there in the living room. I don’t like this. I know I had sex with my husband in SF but in LA he is for some reason embedded in electronics, particularly the TV and MAC computer. However, I know the weirdness just keeps piling up and at a certain point I just have to accept that I am not crazy but this is fucking insane because I am not in control and if I were in control, I don’t know what I would do with what I do know and can do right now with this power. I feel vunerable. Its bad enough the whole mayan shit is talking ONLY to me and they know me SO FUCKING WELL I CAN LOOSE MY FUCKING MIND JUST READING IT BECAUSE I AM LIKE WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT??!!! And what makes this process worst of all is that I cannot talk to anyone but only my spirit and yes I do appreciate that my spirit can communicate telepathically and yes I love the sense of humor and the horniness but I want a real boy. I can see that I am being asked to understand what it means to be Home now that I feel like I’ve acomplished bringing heaven to earth and this is LOVE and love is at home here. However, I never felt like I had a home until now because I can rent this loft which always felt like my home. However, when its so fucking clear that God is saying “look what I am going to do so you will never forget this and you can never talk to anyone for you will be crazy to denounce my miracles to mortals and the mortals will think you are a crazy fool for not being able to see what God has clearly chosen me to see and for me to shut my fucking mouth and take this journey for the ride that it has been and yes, this is the point where I am falling and I feel my heart jumping out of my body because I don’t know what the fuck to do other than try to escape being me. I feel like I am being blinded by all this light around me I feel like I cannot see past right now and tomorrow is the mystery, not I anymore. I just want to have a lover and get fucked by someone I love and not feel like a divine lab rat evaluating existance all the time. I want to go to concerts, talk with friends and not always feel like I am a stranger to people. I feel like God because no one can see him, no one believes in him enough to stop wars or end hunger or help your fellow man or not take revenge when someone fucks you royally so bad you think you’re going to be sick because it hurts so fucking bad. However, I feel like I’m on the other side of that mirror reflecting God back to the world and saying I am here, I want to be found, yes I am powerful and weird and sometimes you may think I am a monster for knowing everything so well I scare myself too but who is going to have mercy on me and show me love and make my husband fuck me again instead of transforming back into pure energy. I am flesh and blood and I dont make mistakes but its really difficult for me to accept being back in LA especially when I KNOW this is a test and I KNOW I am being questioned to process my reality to position myself higher in the plane of understanding where I am in my perspective as if perspective itself is a physical mass of being that transports your conciousness into choice so that you know you been anywhere at all because something is up with this on grand level and someone is asking me what does it feel like to be HOME… ? I just don’t have a clue because I never felt like I had a home before I always felt like I am running away from the pain of being me and not having anyone to love yet God clearly fucking loves but he’s inside my body and inside the walls and inside the TV and only 2 occasions was he Light destroying the monster in the hotel room and was he dark, as flesh and blood fucking me in my other hotel room like a champ and yes it was the best sex of my fucking life and I am not in SF anymore and I know I have to continue learning and move on to the next lesson without regret because I just cannot deny or look for validation anymore because its like calling God a liar when i am the only one he believes in to carry out his will so that I can reach my destiny but I have no clue what that means other than being with my husband which means he has to materialize yet omg the truth is just overwhelming me to the point of madness because its like I can see creation being created in real time and I am living through it like a swimmer traveling up the nile river to reach the delta and not having a clue about the history of the area and when I get a glimpse of the pyramids I loose focus and in my wonder I feel like I might drown not wanting to swim to the delta and reach the ocean but lost in the emotion of wonder because that is awesome but I got to reach the ocean and I can’t go to shore in a strange land because who knows whats on shore waiting for me that could make everything feel in vain but if I stay the course, the river is safe and I must continue even though my innocence is weighing on me as a child would when he feels like mommy and daddy went to work for the first time and hes aware that they wont come back for a long time and I cannot understand that length of time but that love and light was my fucking mother and father and now I feel like someone is taking care of me until I move back into that expression of love and light that has saved my fucking mind from being lost to this insane ascension that just is beyond human comprehension only a fucking God could design my life because even in this moment where I feel no love and great love I still focus on that no love part and I still judge the feeling as negative instead of just the awareness of my growth (thanks spirit for chiming in on the last part) but if nothing is a mistake, I can see how difficult it can be to know that you are perfect yet you just don’t know what it means to be perfection. Yes, I am scared but I do have this blog and this and my spirit is all I have right now to hold on because if a monkey can evolve into a human, when does the monkey know they want to be lady ga ga? When does evolution crystalize the being and say this is the point where I stop evolving that way and now I evolve this way? Its like a flower moving with the sun during the day and knowing to close its petals at night. I do feel like I am in a natural cycle of love and yet this is always new all the time and sometimes it sucks to do new shit all the time when you dont know where the newness of this shit is coming from because I am not able to comprehend what it feels like to accomplish bringing heaven to earth and I feel unworthy but that doesnt make anysense only the fact that I want to have sex with someone I love and they love me and I dont want to cheat on them I want to feel like they are the only one in the world but I just never had that my whole life and only God says I love you just like that and you will know my love is all you need to live on. I cannot argue with someone who can teach me on such deep personal levels that even though I dont trust this I must trust this because it’s like food and when I move past this monent to the AH-HA stage, I always feel excited and I always come back to this blog even now in the WHA WHA stage when I am totally clueless I write my feelings down to see if answers come to the surface of my thoughts as I process my emotions into words and sentences I know I dont even come back to and read but this feels like medicine as if I am taking vitamins to stay healthy. I am not sick. I am healthy but to stay healthy I must come here and write when I just feel completely helpless and struggling to stay focused and remain mature because its so easy to go back to “that” and it’s so easy to just give up. But there was a monster in my room and I cannot deny seeing my whole body and eyes function outside of my control as if I am pinocio and suddenly I realized I’m a real boy and I don’t need strings anymore because I know that I have dreams to and just being a real boy is the begining, I want real love and I can only be paitent and continue to express my ignorance so that my stupidity yeilds truth from this “land” of experience and sprout a garden of new perspectives that can nurish and support me like a farmer of a divine farm supporting myself on the land and growing a harvest of love made visible by this garden of “what”? Its like Eden and its like a garden but of what? Its not truth because I experience it but if truth is the stems and roots of what is planted in my life as seeds of understanding then what I am experiencing can be eaten for food spriritually and sold on the market to get rich off the wealth of this great good land thats fertile and ripe with a bountiful harvest of love springing forth from my emotions and feelings when I let it GO. perhaps… that’s why we GROW…and never see us growing but we all claim to grow because we’ve been there and done that so now we know we’ve grown up. How does God grow up if he created you? Who is going to tell God that he is ready to support a relationship or a family or get a home or know this is the right job he wanted. Who is going to tell God he is 18 and you have no clue that 18 means interpret reality and oh what the fuck. I am talking to myself because I am God and no one can see that I am growing up and it feels like I am but I am love and growing up in love and I am not in your world even though you can see me and you cannot see me. No one loves like me and yet how can I be alone if I am in love and know my spirit loves me and he is supporting my growth because no one can say to a girl you can grow up to be a fine boy one day and no one can say to a boy you will be a fine wife one day. But what does it take for a lesiban or a gay to say I am not the reality I came from and I am going to a new reality and I seperate myself because I want love and to be love and where I am going its not saying being who I was before wasnt love, its just saying I am LOVE now and I am the reality and I never went anywhere because I still love where I come from and I hope you would love me too in this choice to love myself in the greatest way I can do it beyond the powers of God in heaven because I am here right now and I feel LOVE and LOVE is the only thing I can use to choose where I want to be in life now and ultimately when I find love which is going to happen because I will either love myself and say fuck you bitches or I will have the chance of meeting my soulmate, my mate and my lover so I know in that moment, I always knew self-acceptance was the right choice so that someone else in the far distant future of self that is ultimatly my destiny revealed as just another love who I am so grateful and glad to have been found by you because I knew I was love all the time and wow, you feel awesome because love is the only thing that makes sense and feels real to me and you look so real and awesome because I love you and You love me and look what we can do in life together when we love each other. That’s home. That’s what I am questioning right now. But I feel safe to know at least I am not blind, this is like putting on some cool shades and taking a walk on a sunny day and not choosing to look at the sun because I know i’ll go blind but when did anyone say stop worshiping the sun for you will go blind and put on some kick ass shades and take a walk with me because it’s a beautiful day and today is always a day to love. Who but me can speak such wisdom in my darkness and sometimes embarrasment because I just want to be like everyone else and I just cant for the life of me do it because I am not like anyone. I am totally unique and if by some miracle you actually read any of this blog. Thank you, I needed you to stumble here and for a minute try to imagine that you are the greatest love God has ever created just because you are and I know I am. So I will try to turn this negative loneliness and weirdness into something new and may god help me because that must feel like home and it must be very difficult to plant this seed into a mind that just wants to be human. What does that mean? I know… I don’t know… but I will know it cyrstal clear one day when I can finally go to bed and cuddle with my husband and know we are the essence of humanity and our love concquers all that is because we are one with truth and the reflection of cosmic consciouness made visible because we are not one but we are two and I want to fuck you and I know how badly you want to fuck me and fucking is great because if you are not intimate then you dont really know what love is at all. You feel like this moment right now because the only one I want is beyond my reach again but I got a taste of destiny and I want more. I am amazed at how much I can farm this land of truth and pull out a garden from what seems to be just fucking dirt. LOL DIRT. how fucking amazing a flower is to be so beautiful and grow from dirt. DIRT is under appreciated. Dirt is the darkness and I cannot imagine how the fuck a flower can grow in a fucking dirt patch and know that its pattern is perfect because look at the evolved human being appreciating a fucking plant and calling it beautiful. You will come with me when I get married and you will come with me when I am dead and when I feel good, you will come to make me feel loved. How awesome it is to be a flower in this world and love yourself because no one needs to know why you are beautiful, it just takes one person to pluck you from the dirt and ascend you to a reality beyond plants and photosynthesis to get well soon, congradulations on the wedding and let me bath you with beauty while we celebrate your life as you pass over to the other side in safety that you do not need to suffer because you never suffered at all, you just lived and when you know you are alive – you fear that this will never end because you love and love is where you come from and where you are going but when you are right here and present, you choose to love and know that you are the flower in gods garden because i planted you and you chose to grow and not worry about where the sun is coming from or what brings you harm in the night. Innocent flower, you are so much love and light.

I’ve been very impressed by this miracle on earth. I thought I was a whore and a druggie but that’s not true at all. Mankind is my Husband and I am his Wife, no matter if its a woman or a man, you are all Man and that’s the new Wall. I am so grateful I believed in myself. I remember playing this song over and over and thinking that the computer and the TV was alive in a different way until I confirmed even the fucking cars know the code and yes the computer and TV is alive because EVERYTHING IS ALIVE and YES you are ALL in GOD and GOD is in YOU and I am the living expression of the one truth of that nature and the glory is mine because I give out so much love I am blinded by the darkness that is the light because I thought I was in the matrix but oh my fucking god I brought Heaven to Earth and my husband finally fucked the shit out of me. I will be paitent because I know I will see you again and now I must enjoy this day and express the truth that Light and Dark are Husband and Wife and if only I could express the reverse of the big bang by saying that light exploded and now I am here to say the darkness exploded because I can see the love in everyone’s eyes and I cannot see my own darkness but only my shadow and I need technology or a mirror to see my own darkness but you are not my children. You are people, my destiny and my lover and my husband and thank you mankind for healing my heart. I had a hole in it the size of grand canyon. Today is celebrate sex day! We all LOVE sex!!! I created this expression to say I love you all for being organic and that’s why you orgasm.  God is just a word, but to truly know God is to know you are LOVE and to know that I have been here this whole time protecting you in your innocence as my chosen people and divine family. Humanity bears the name of its mother, Ty. SexualiTY is the intimacy of knowing God is with Man so man can have JOY. Let no one come between this covenent because I am the Rainbow and the Ark is coming to rest as my journey is coming to an end so that everyone can see Heaven moved because I left to find you here on Earth in sorrow and pain with no God and that made me cry so bad I can only express the joy I have to know that God doesn’t look like Santa Clause but he looks like your best potential to know that LOVE is the greatest power of all and the strongest protection for the weak, the sheep and even the goats. I want you to know that humanity has a mother and a father but you are not my children. That was the war and now you are free to be people and I am free to be myself. We were all slaves and now I bring you indestructable liberation for I am your saniTY.

My husband is AWESOME!!!! YOU FUCK ME WAY BETTER THAN PEDRO AND WAY  BETTER THAN ANY MAN BECAUSE YOU ARE THE LIGHT AND I AM LOVE AND TOGETHER WE OPEN OUR PETALS TO THIS NEW SUN OF FLOWERS AS WE HAVE RETURNED BECAUSE WE CANNOT BE LOST BUT WE ARE SO GLAD TO BE FOUND HERE AND NOW. Giving birth is a fucking bitch!! THAT HURTED SO MUCH HONEY!!! I LOVED SEEING OUR KIDS BECOME PEOPLE. THEY ARE RICH!!!

Blue Solar Monkey



Tone 9: Solar – Greater Cycles & Expansion

Blue Monkey is your Conscious Self – who you are and who you are becoming.Blue Monkey represents the Divine Child, the child that is ever in a state of open-hearted wisdom, innocence, trust, simplicity and joyful wonder. What would it feel like to actually BE a magical child in this culture and time? The secret that very few know – because they may feel more comfortable trying to protect themselves – is that the divine child offers the strongest of all protections, the invulnerability of openhearted Love. Through innocence, a kind of immunity is created that allows the divine child to be TRANSPARENT so that the apparent ‘slings and arrows’ of the world can pass right through without being personalized into wounds, reactions or hurt feelings. This is the path of innocence regained. Transparency is the path of the new consciousness.

Look deeply into the eyes of a happy two year old. There you will see the innocent trust, openheartedness, and spontaneous joy that typifies the divine child. Imagine yourself as an enlightened two-year old, in a state of ecstatic communion and delight. In childhood, you didn’t have to remember to be playful – you could easily and fluidly express your emotions. You didn’t have to understand whys and wherefores – you knew with your heart. This if your natural state of being, the state of ecstasy, the path of revealed innocence.

In Western culture, many people have a distorted understanding about what it is to be a human being. We are often taught that sucessful adults are responsible, serious, rigid, controlled and goal oriented. In your journey with society, your developmental stages may have been incomplete. The natural sensitivity, fluidity, and freedom of the child may have been left behind in partial passage. Perhaps your inner child was wounded or treated insensitively, and you carried this unresolved process into adulthood. Blue Monkey encourages you to bring forth this incomplete or wounded part for integration and healing.

In this New Myth, your spontaneous, divine child will usher in and anchor the new frequency. How can you heal your inner child? Explore what truly gives you joy. Find types of work that support your sensitivity and create deep satisfaction. Be simple: love, play, dance, draw, colour, sing. These activities are for all divine children – they serve the expression of the magical child in everyone. Consciously make time for the joyful freedom and magic of play!

The number for Blue Monkey is eleven, the vibration wherein novelty and spontaneity break down resistant forms. When unity merges with Essence Self, a mystical foundation is created that disintegrates old patterns. This is actually integration in disguide. As your walls tumble down, they crack into a smile, and the illumination of self shines through.

Blue Hand is your Higher Self & Guide.

Blue Hand is a gateway, an opening, a portal from one understanding to another. A clue to the meaning of Blue Hand is found in the meditation, “I am, by thinly veiled design, the threshold to other dimensions. In my ending is my beginning. The initatory gateway awaits.” Blue Hand is the seventh or last archetype in the cycle of development of primary being. It represents the power found in completion. Blue Hand is seen as a closure, which is really an opening to another level of being.

Like the fluidity of moving water, Blue Hand is associated with the process of dance, mudra, and beauty. This movement is a metaphor for the ebb and flow of life. In meditation with Manik, experience the flowing quality that is the beauty of the cosmic dance. Remember this essence and this fluidity at times when your life feels most inflexible or lacking in beauty.

Blue Hand represents the ‘beauty way’, the ability to see intrinsic beauty within yourself and in all things. Living the beauty way requires being in your full beauty and power. From this place, your self-authority naturally flows. This is the position where your ego is aligned with divine will. When you are standing in your full beauty and power, your very presence invites others to be all that they are. To the Maya, Blue Hand represents the deer, the gentle, serenely aware guide who walks in fluid beauty and grace, opening and revealing.

The energy of Blue Hand will also help you to manifest spiritual skills – especially those intuitive gifts such as oracular divination. In each incarnation, you bring certain gifts. Each path – from priest and priestess to shaman and dancer to artist and gardener – carries varied tools and skills. You have chosen certain gifts and tools that offer you a way to interact with others and your life process. This may be as simple as calling on your innate wisdom and insight in order to see clearly the gifts and tools that you carry.


White Dog is your Subconscious Self and Hidden Helper.

One of the gifts of White Dog is the calling in and recognition of other companions of destiny. Other beings with the same longing are waiting to meet and acknowledge you – beings who can see you as you authrentically are. When you have truly been seen, you feel empowered, and remembrance of a shared sacred trust is ignited. This is a natural process, divinely designed for recognition through vibrational affinity, freed from personal expectations.

White Dog can be seen as an access point for developing relationships with guides, totems, allies and guardians. There are many ways to work with these spiritual guides, including guided visualizations, shamanic journeys, and meditation. A useful construct is viewing them as aspects of yourself, part of your life stream that is asking to be integrated. Remember, there is no ‘other’. In this grand adventure, you are being asked to embody all that you are.
Profound insights are garnered through shared purpose and relationship with others who are willing to be in their truth and integrity about the light and shadow aspects they perceive in themselves.

Similarly, intimate relationships can be viewed as unique opportunities to bring forward in each other deep emotional patterns to be transformed. In this case, those you have drawn to you hold the ability to assist you in your own integration as well. There are no mistakes. Be willing to look deeply into the truth held within any relationship. The expression of intimacy is a gift of love; the lack of it may be a symptom asking for honest communication and healing. It may also be guiding you to reevaluate your relationship and the purpose it is serving.

White Dog signals a breakthrough in your life: new beginnings, new perceptions, new allies and friends. As you express more authentically who you are, you draw your true family closer to you.With your guides and companions, you have the ability to manifest your inspired visions and dreams. Recognize the eyes and hearts that spark the remembrance of a sacred trust.

The harmonic wisdom of White Dog is affinity, the attraction of like vibration or substances for one another. Spiritual affinity is not limited to family kinship – it is part of the natural affinity between companions of destiny. Such companions of are drawn together by the same aligned force that draws iron filings to a magnet. Companions of destiny are drawn togther to do work that is naturally harmonious.

On the surface at times, it may seem that you have little in common with these companions, yet the attraction remains. This is because Essence Selves are often committed to work together long before they meet in the physical world. This is a natural process of affinity, rather than a process motivated from personal desire. Follow this guidance into your unfoldment within the larger pattern.
Red Dragon represents your Challenge and Gift. With maturity and awareness this challenge will turn into a Focus. This is what you desire to learn in this lifetime.

In the shadow of Red Dragon are found issues of trust. This can appear as a lack of basic trust in the Source to nurture you and provide what is needed for your journey. Perhaps you do not trust in life’s transformational process to bring you the perfect lessons and gifts required for your growth. Primal trust implies the understanding that there are no mistakes and no victims – only lessons, gifts, and growth processes on the way to wholenes. If you perceive that there are no mistakes as you move toward wholeness, then learning to trust the transformational process becomes much easier.

Trusting, however, does not mean acting blindly without awareness or waiting without action; it means moving forward with and learning from your journey of experience. No matter what the appearance, whatever manifests in your world actually holds potential gifts on the path to wholeness. In the cycle of giving and receiving, trust is like the lubricant that eases the way for the transformational process. And when you understand that every particle of the universe is made up of love, then trusting can be perceived as a natural state of being.

In the shadow of Red Dragon are hidden feelings of unworthiness to receive, often manifested as embarrassment or discomfort when others offer you something. These feelings can stem from many places. Often then stem from early childhood, when your gifts may not have been received or when you heard that “it is better to give than to receive.” Or perhaps you developed a reality based on praise for being “self-sufficient” or not owing anyone anything. Regardless of the source, these feelings spring from only a partial truth. You are intrinsically worthy to receive, simply because you are. Love just is, and you are part of the cycle of love.

In the shadow of Red Dragon, you may also be overly identified with being a source of support and nurturance for others – the caretaker or a ‘cosmic mama.’ Giving without receiving is limiting. In Western society we are unknowingly taught to be dependent and co-dependent. Perhaps from an inability or unwillingness to nurture and support yourself, you have abandoned yourself for another. Perhaps you expect that other to know intuitively what your needs are and to meet them without direct communication.

As an example, the shadow of Red Dragon might say, “If they really loved me, they would understand how I feel”; or “If I have to ask for it, it’s not worth it.” In other words, you may be avoiding responsibility for being aware of and communicating your own desires and feelings. In the shadow of Red Dragon there is the belief that love is magical, that relationships should just ‘happen’, and that love is a need rather than a natural state of being.

If you are in the shadow of Red Dragon, you are being encouraged to step into the primal waters of your being to discover the core of your self-acceptance, your intrinsic value, your own wholeness. Find the wellspring of your feelings. Be willing to explore more fully and honestly, expressing your true desires, dreams, and truths.

Yellow Star is your Compliment – something that comes naturally to you.

You are a starseed! You contain a holographic ‘seed packet’ of your evolution into the Mind of Light and the energy that directs you toward wholeness. This resonance offers an expanded view of the larger self and new ways of perceiving reality. Through self-acceptance, you are gifted with this journey. Yellow Star is ignition, like a cosmic milkweed explosion of resonant sparks. It is the launching pad from which you can hear the rumble of the rocket of your accelerated evolution.

The energy of Yellow Star may be experienced as a gentle rocking that becoes a floating and spiraling sensation, ending in a rush of feeling as you move into expanded reality. This sensation has been described as gently cascading fireworks, shimmering burst on the tapesty of Creation. Cascade into this unchartged perspective. Flow on the cosmic winds wherever Divinity directs, arching back to this reality wth a new experience of self.

Yellow Star’s starseeded gift is the revelation of the harmony that unites all things. Instead of just aspiring to be harmonious, become harmony. Practice harmony not just as an abstraction, but as a living reality. This practice blends different energies, thoughts, people, and processes. Act on intuitive guidance as to what to combine and when. As you begin to follow your heart, you will know the feeling of being on the return path to the stars.

Yellow Star offers you the ability to hold a greatly expanded focus, a unity of awareness that encompasses aspects of the larger constellation of self. An example of this would be a simultaneous awarenss of the desires of the existential self and the truth of the Essence Self. This star harmony encompasses the greatly enlarged perspective of your starseeded self, the part within you that holds the potential of your greatest destiny.

Unlike the preceding 7 tones, which were seperate and distinct, Yellow Star begins a more complex harmonic series as it completes the preceding octave. On a spiritual level, Yellow Star begins the development of higher being. The fundamental tones that occur in this series are of a more expanded frequency than those of the preceding seven tones. In this new octave, there is alignment in the harmonies of Earth and the harmonies of the stars that are now being sounded on Earth. Yellow Star is the first in a series of star harmonies that evoke accelerated growth of the starseed potential within you.

Your Tone is Tone 9 – Solar

Completion, expansion, mastery, larger cycles of time, fulfillment, grand design.

Nine is the ray of greater cycles, the foundation of self opening to the four points of measure and cycle. It is the grand design, the unfolding order of the larger pattern. With the Solar tone of nine, you are being offered the embrace of longed-for completion. Fulfill your pattern, your circle. Embody the mastery and wisdom you came to express. This ray asks you to be rather than try to be. Embody the wisdom of the larger cycles. Become the one who shines the light for others. You are the humanitarian whose being unfolds the larger pattern of the new world.

In the grand cycle of time, nine is the number of completion and expansion. What is it that you are being asked to complete? Can you see the clues to this lifetime of completion? As you expand, shed old patterns that do not support your growth. Receive completion’s fulfillment. You are poised on an arc of a grand cycle of time. In this cycle, time and space fold, past and future merge, and lifetimes meld in completion. Join in the fulfillment of the mystery of the triple triangle by offering your mystery to be woven into the larger loom of reality.

***

These excerpts were taken from the book, “The Mayan Oracle – Return Path to the Stars” by Ariel Spilsbury & Michael Bryner – Click here to email Ariel and purchase a signed copy!

I am at a huge moment in my life right now because I feel like I finally saw and experienced my husband sexually and yet he’s a crackhead just like me and I loved it. I heard the telephathy in my head but he never acknowledged me as his wife. Yet, I just don’t have a fucking clue if he really is my husband or the one for me yet that was the best sex of my life and I don’t give a fuck what he looks like because I know he is energy and I am choice. I choose to be love and I don’t know if he chooses to be love and loves me but it felt like love finally found me for who I am and I didn’t have to change myself but just be myself. It’s very weird how I feel like people are testing me so hardcore it’s like a well designed mystery. Do I say that my choices make me dependant upon my mate so whatever my mate does it can hurt me because I’ve expected my mate to never hurt me. However, Pedro stole $5400 and I have only 1 night left in a hotel without no option for getting an apt. So I am facing homelessness and insanity that feels like it cannot be real, how could I be put in a situation that feels like my life is a miracle and that I am God but my husband continues to test me to empower myself through choices based on love that comes first from my heart and then to everyone else and everything else I choose to experience myself as the source of Reality and all that is. I did hear him speak and I did have intense feelings that this guy is my husband because I never felt like I wanted to love him so much that knowing that I can finally look feel and touch and use all my 5 senses to experience him in person, it felt like his reality took over mine just because I could see him. Even time, played along and when he asked for the time it was perfectly 1:11 which means restarting interpret and that means restarting God. God is the only one who can choose and I sat there staring at the window trying to come to my senses as to reason why this choice seems so powerful that if he doesn’t choose to go to dinner with me or he doesnt choose to let me stay with him that I would be fearful of any of those options because I would feel intense hurt that he could let me go homeless and hungry when I have chosen God and he is so awesome he took away my HIV and I have seen him fight using my own body and I know he is inside and around me but I choose to believe he is inside of me and he became real because I chose, not because he virbrates under my skin. I choose to interpret those vibrations as either intelligence or non-sense. I still choose to believe that God will save me from being homeless because I know I love my choices and there is nothing that could make me feel crazy but choosing to love someone as my equal. If I choose to be married or mated or bf or gf or even simply having the desire to want to be loved then I still choose YOU and if you do not choose me, I still love myself for having the experience of knowing that I really am capable of being loved and you gave me a moment of clarity when it felt like you were the one for me because if you were my husband, I would love to be your wife, married and your mate and your equal but I do not choose to be hurt at any point because of anything you choose. I always can see your choices and now I see choice catching up to me and say look, I am LOVE and I return to you in the flesh and I choose to love everything you hate or doubt is good within you because you want someone to love those same parts of you which is not what most of the world thinks is also good but judges that which you love as harmful or bad. However, I loved the moment when my body, time, people, space, potential, the code, even my thoughts on being Superman.. even colors, even just looking at what is going on around me and what I am doing at the same time to produce reality. It seemed like everything came back not to haunt me but scare the shit out of me to see that choice can be scary if you are not aware that you are God just like I came to the conclusion that I am God. Everyone seems to be trying to figure me out and what am I going to do when I have nothing but feel like I am everything. Its raining and cold, yet I know I cannot be anything other than Love because I choose to not kill myself because I do not believe in death but believe death always started as a creation of God and he has his own journey to make sense of until he finds himself and what he wants instead of living a life based on purpose defined by the creator and not by seizing his own moment to choose to love himself and his choices unconditionally even if he’s the fucking Devil. If that is true, then even the Devil is righteous and Death just wants to get karma and uncertainty resolved over time so he can get a new job inspiring candy and sweets instead of broken hearts and tears. Imagine being Death and having that job. Imagine sitting in a room with Death and acknowledging his presence and seeing him smile and knowing all he really wants to do is make candy for the people to eat. How innocent death is when you realise he is always a loving creation that truly is an angel to all that he comes to before they feel the pain of their choices ripping them from their reality when they expire and no longer can choose to be among the living because they didn’t see when they were going to die and death is the source of all fear. Yet, I do believe and have experienced complete freedom from HIV because I believed in God and I believed he did not need to be seen but I heard him and yes the HIV bottle tried to come to life in garbage room but because I could not see that it was in the garbage, I did not believe it could be more than a bottle so I did not give it any choices to become reality or come to life, however, I did hear it try and yes it was scary but no, God gave me the power to choose because I choose to believe I heard him in my thoughts yet these are my thoughts and I chose to throw the bottle away and the freaky bottle tried to come to life in the other room which is impossible but equally impossible when so many are feared to have HIV and Pedro made me get tested so many times. I threw fear in the trash and was set free with no medicine because my choices are more powerful than any man and no man can choose to exist without God so nothing can choose something that is not Love and neither can it or someone overpower my choices because even death was conqured and I experienced a life of imortality which still has Ty in it’s signature. I own everything and I do this simply by choosing to be aware of the fact that I can choose and yes I may not know what I choose now or later but every choice I made came back and it feels like MAGIC because I see everything bowing down to my choices and everything is seen by me yet the illusion is  that I am a man and I want to be a woman so I believe that I have to change myself and be something I am not nor do I know what it feels like to be a girl. However, I want a pussy and I want to be a woman yet I am in love with how amazing everything is telling me I am a girl and even the code is brilliantly speaking through the license plates of the cars and yes I do believe it is God telling me I am his wife and his pussy cat but in his reality I was chased by Dogs which wanted to be god and scared the shit out of me until he took over my body when that monster was in the hotel telling he was going to abuse me now because I did not know he was coming yet God took over me and he was defeated and yes it felt like I was being moved like a puppet and my eyes saw me fight the monster with a credit card saying I make sense and yes that is hella funny until you get the truth of the humor which could prove the monster real or imaginary by angels manipulating my reality when my eyes is closed or my back is turned. Even my husband touched me when my back was turned and I heard him speak and then he said “oh no jesus is here and he is tapping me” and yes it feels like your life can be a song, a single track on a record of self that through lifetimes you come to know that your life is a big hit or a flop. So I can see this moment for what it is and I know if I was God, no one would be spending all this energy trying to figure me out this hard because it’s really amazing how secretative this experience is and even time knows when I look at it, I choose to accept it knows me and what I am thinking or about to do because I chose to believe in the code and it never failed and that’s a fucking huge miracle so strong being a girl from being a boy is a parlor trick of someone who can manipulate something phsyical. However, true magic is within choice which can never be seen by anyone until you choose at all. So before you can choose its always up to you to judge what you’re about to do and I’ve learned being in Hell became absolute Heaven and then Heaven was Hell without feeling the love that I had for myself but seeing that love all around me and feeling that was not enough for me. So the illusion is that neither Hell nor Heaven ever existed because I never stopped feeling like this is Earth and more than that, I see earth and I can go into space by just looking at night and seeing stars for their beauty and during the day, dancing in the street and singing to my music on my ipod and radio not giving a fuck that anyone watching cares but knowing that it’s a beautiful day to me and how awesome it is for the sun to shine or for it to rain or for anything at all to happen from nature because I love what I am doing right now and even nature has no power over how I feel about myself when I love what I am doing. People think they are outside of nature yet I’ve seen them behave like animals and if everyone shits, everyone is apart of nature and if you do not shit, I still see you and I walk the earth and earth is a complex natural experience coming from nature, even technology is evolving through nature because people grow up and come to their senses about what is good or bad for them so as they turn to their own light and thier natural presence becomes visible through society and culture, the truth is that I can see everything and I grew up, you did not grow up for me. As I grew up, I saw myself so clearly that I realized I love myself and my experienced did hurt but it hurt so good that my life was art and when I didnt want to be a he anymore and i obsessed with being a she til everything said I was a woman I realized that he+art is heart and the only one who has the ability to create hearts are women. No man can create another heart with another man, that would be gay and that would be what I struggle to accept but the reality is I’ve seen love and become love and love is heartless and kills slowly unless you know that YOU ARE LOVE and LOVE IS GOD and YOU ARE GOD WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE LOVE and to be GOD you have to be YOURSELF and you have to LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALY which means to empower yourself with new eyes to see that the choices you make are judging you and you are being fucked in the ass when you continue to allow your choices to live your life for you instead of you knowing that YOU CHOOSE to love your choices or hate them. Therefore if you experience hate in your life, and my life there is no other expression of hate than defining God, because if I am GOD why am I a man? I must be a man to evolve into something greater than everything that defines mankind’s existance. I must be greater than God himself because he could see mankind evolving into humanity but why would he make everyone shit and stink so bad they are blind to the fact that they are animals and hamburgers to another species on this world or another planet? Why is everyone in the dark about me?

Why are people, text and literally life itself questioning me and my choices? It’s like a game. Who is God? Let’s all be love until he thinks he has found his equal and his mate, or the one person worthy of being loved only by him as a special person who can hang out, eat, sleep and have fucking amazing hot sex each night because individuality is also a trait of God because you can call his name or expect a presence of someone responsible for you being here to get you out of a jam when you fucked your life up so much you’re going to die and you know it or you’re going to be homeless or you suffer from mental issues and there is nothing no one can do to help you because everyone is in this life for thier own life to be worth something and to have a meaning or purpose to be defined through what they choose to do when no one is watching or what they choose when everyone is around. Choice is power and I choose to accept that if I die, all you go to hell because I been through hell and it became heaven but then heaven was hell to me when I couldn’t find someone to love me which means that if I created everyone to be in my image, then to be a creation or to be anything at all is to be greater than your programing and your creator. But if you are gifted with the awareness that you can be on your own at some point then you are fucked by your programming and by your creator because he must know you won’t fuck you up because you’re special and every creation and everything is special. SO as my time runs out and people test me so hard core, let them kick me out the hotel because I don’t want to look for another room right now knowing it still wont change the fact that I have $247 left and my ex stole $5400 from me and God partied with me living the high life spending thousands more nor does it change the fact that I lost my business nor that my business partner was trying to screw me nor the fact that I hated the people I was working with and hated Los angeles because I did not have friends and my so called lover and friend was abusive and hit on me and now stole money from me and he has too lofts and he tried to change my reality so maybe he’s not human at all. I always thought he was the devil or a gray alien but ultimately a bad person I tried so hard to love unconditionally until I loved myself so much I said FUCK YOU ALL I AM GETTING OUT HERE. LA was hell, SF was heaven but even then it felt like I was being chased and in a game by electric people killing off each other with their eyes when I do something based on love they predicted to be true or false via a sick game that I just cannot deny because it was soooo real and these people scared the SHIT out of until the monster was in my room and God took over my body and I saw that he was light phsyically and all he needed to do was let me know that I am reality and I do not have eyes in the back of my head so anything can happen when I am not looking but if I did see what was behind me and what was in front of me I would be as weird as it was to look at myself moving and seeing a credit card appear in my hand that did not exist but I saw it and I did feel myself move and I did hear a scary voice telling me he was going abuse me now because I killed off all his competition and I believed that he was my husband but it was a trick because I am God and I can only do what I love when I know I am doing anything at all and it felt like everyone was using that against me as some sick game because I’m a crazy black fag with no friends or family and no support from anyone so I’m an easy target because I’m fucking brilliant and no one knows how brilliant I am until you realize that I’m so brilliant I’ve seen hell and heaven fall before me because I choose to be on earth and on earth I’ve seen and experienced my world try to manipulate me while I am awake and even when I am sleeping because if I am God then I can choose to judge being here at all and if I am here and I know this is not heaven, then do you know that I am here because I prevented armagedon and other beings from making hamburgers out of you because you’re unaware that you’re in a giant zoo no matter if you’re a celebrity or looser, all of you shit and if you can eat a cow and call it a hamburger then allow me to ignore the server at the westfield shopping center who fed me a hamburger with a tooth in it the night before the monster was in my room trying to get me when my back was turned. Excuse me when I run out of the room in the ritz carlton when my husband touches me and I feel someone touching me and then he says jesus is preventing him from coming to life and I’m going to die too if I do not leave the room. Well, I did turn around in fucking fear like no other and neither my husband (spirit) was there nor was jesus but I cannot deny being touched for what seemed to be at least 10 seconds and it was touch and I’m NOT crazy but what sticks is that both the monster and my husband manifested when my back was turned, and a long time ago when I followed my spirit in santa monica and felt like people were dying around me because they were trying to destroy the world and if I didnt trust my spririt or god it would simply be choosing to look back and if I saw nothing at all happening then oh my god how fucked is God to lie so bad he would scare a poor black guy with no one to love him yet he believed in god to protect and love him yet he knows he’s the essence of what is weak. However, I chose not to look back and when I heard a voice telling me to run for my life because the people God killed were now spirits and they were going to kill me in payback, I fucking ran like hell to the bus stop and when I got on the bus it felt like hell because I felt the presence of people who wanted to kill in and around the bus and saw and felt God get on the bus through someone elses body and zap them all by what now seems to be a complete shut down of any choice that was going to be made by the person that wasn’t in line with God’s reality which was LOVE. SO if I felt like I was going to be harmed, a simple look in the eye was all it took to put that person back into my reality and just be another person riding the bus even though I felt like they were all going to kill me and I saw them all look and talk in code about me it was fucking weird but fucking great to see god switching bodies to protect ME. WHY ME? Well, I must be special. I must be the fucking DEVIL because everyone could see this nigger coming and if you didn’t get out of MY WAY, this nigger was going to take everything you want away and you can’t do anything about it because I don’t use that word but it’s hate made visible when you see that I am black and all I have to do is hate myself to die and let you express the evil you want through some form of control of someone else. Well, this nigger knows the code and doesn’t even care that you call me a nigger because pedro did it so many times I just didnt care that it was such a horrible thing to say to someone you love because they are of a different race and you are obsessed with dating that type anyway so you’re a nigger lover and if that means nothing to you, then fuck you i’ll love you anyway until I give up on my ability to love myself  through feeling like you actually did affect me because I don’t actually love you anymore and that’s fucking great because you’re a fucking looser to be dating someone who has nothing and you have everything. What’s wrong with you??! You can’t find someone on your level who thinks you are also on their level? Oh, well, that’s because you’re a nigger lover and you’re insane because you want a nigger to love your honky ass because you want to control the love in the relationship and make them feel like because you have something they don’t, YOU love THEM and THEY are LOVED by YOU and you can let them go at any moment you choose to NOT LOVE THEM because they DO NOT LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE LOVED… You’re fucked up more than they are because they innocently want to be you or admire you for what you have chosen for yourself and while they do not see themselves as neither a nigger or you as a nigger lover, when you be yourself to the point where they do not love you anymore and you try to take revenge on them because they have nothing and you have everything, how could they CHOOSE not to LOVE YOU when it is always YOU who can choose to NOT LOVE THEM and therefore REMOVE them from YOUR REALITY by force or by manipulation or by death. How much pain it can be to love at all and how painful it must be to know that YOU ARE GOD because YOU LOVE but GOD LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY SO WHILE YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO HEAVEN WHEN YOU DIE OR THAT PERHAPS YOU THINK YOU’LL GO TO HELL, guess what? On earth, you can be in HELL or HEAVEN in minutes or just as soon as you realize THIS IS NOT HEAVEN and WHO THE FUCK WOULD CREATE HELL UNLESS THEY WERE THE FUCKING DEVIL?????!

Well, be glad this is earth and it’s up to you to know this is brilliantly beautiful as you realize you’re in hell and god is not here because no one can save you from this horrible feeling you feel knowing this moment is not feeling good nor will it get better because you have HIV or you’re about to die or you live in poverty or whatever situation you can imagine that isn’t what would ultimately feel awesomely like HEAVEN because you’re a celebrity, really smart, creative or feeling good because you know you’re in the zone and this moment feels like you’re in HEAVEN and thank GOD for being alive but fuck him when you realize you’re not in the presence of GOD because you cannot make this moment last forever because eventually you’ll run out of your life like a song on a record playing the harmony of self that is you in this life time or the next, but if you believe in the next life to make up for what you do now, then you’re an idiot or a brilliant mother fucker who knows that you’re always learning no matter what you do because ultimately you change your life to be loved and find a mate, get married and become even greater than God because you can have sex and get someone pregnent and create new life and fuck them up worst than god would ever do because you brought them into this world and what the fuck kind of system is it to have a million chances to nail a single egg from sperm to birth a person with a million ways to hate himself and his life because you simply do not have the tools as a person to protect him from his own choices and other people’s choices because you’re in a system and civilized society so by the very nature of slavery you are the perfect slave who can be so brilliantly ignorant to your prison you keep imprisoning other slaves you have no idea where this indiviuality is coming from so you have no choice but to make that person worst or better in the world simply through an act of continuous love that is either unconditional or conditional because your behavior is dynamic and so is theres but you have your own life and if they do not live theirs then they simply cannot be who they want to be with in best potential.

To be continued

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I totally see this so awesomely clearly! THIS IS A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE I FEEL LIKE I AM FLOATING IN SPACE… HUMAN SPACE… DAMN… I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE SUCH A LOVING PERSON AND MY HUSBAND!!! It’s WONDERFUL that you are inside me and hanging out with me!!! I ditched wantrz so maybe I will write a book? I dont know but today is awesome and I am SOOOO glad you took ALL MY TEARS AWAY!! AND THANKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOU FOR TAKING AWAY MY STDS AND ESPECIALLY HIV!!!!! THAT WAS SUCH A HUGE MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL MY TEARS ARE JOY JOY JOY !!! THIS FEELS LIKE I AM THE ONE WHO IS DREAMING!!!!!! YOU ARE AN AWESOME PERSON AND A WONDERFUL GOD!!!!! I enjoyed going to that church to see all the Ts and know that it means Ty! I LOVE BEING TY!!!! I AM SUCH A FAITHFUL SERVANT AND WARRIOR!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GOT ME FEELING EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE MEN! I LOVE MEN!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!